I went to the dentist yesterday. It’s one of my least favorite things—the poking, the prodding, the drilling, the bracing myself for an unexpected jolt of pain. More than once in my life I’ve had tears rolling down my cheeks as I lay tipped back in the chair, the suspended light hovering inches from my face, my fingernails digging holes into the arm rest. I’d rather avoid it, but there’s something I dislike more than a trip to the dentist, and that’s what precedes it: the unwelcome pain of a toothache.
Pain is a warning light that tells us that something is wrong. It’s a light we should welcome, but all too often, we don’t want the bad news we fear is coming. We procrastinate and avoid the light that could help us, afraid of what it might cost. I know I did.
In my darkest days, I avoided the light.
Fear, shame, and manipulation had cornered me in isolation and darkness—far from the loving care of those who could have helped.
For years I had been groomed and drawn inch by inch into darker waters by my pastor, the person who should have led me to freedom and light. My naivete was exploited, my loyalty was played, my trust was abused. The shadows grew darker, and the fear was paralyzing.
The message was clear: secrecy was loyalty, and silence was honor. To speak up or to seek help meant exposure – and exposure meant shattering a movement of God.
Trapped and afraid, I stayed quiet. I stayed hidden. I stayed in the dark.
But our God is not a God of darkness. He is the LIGHT. His ways are never marred by manipulation, shrouded in secrecy, or disguised in deception. He lights the path to freedom for everyone who finds themselves stuck. And He shined that light for me.
When the light came, it came suddenly. Painfully. Shatteringly.
Like skin that had never seen the sun, the rays of exposure blistered my soul. I wept for days – weeks – months. The shattered pieces of my life littered the floor around the cross I clung to.
But through it all, God was gentle and kind, tenderly debriding the wounds of my heart. He was merciful. He wasn’t angry with me—He’d had enough of the enemy’s bullying and the tyranny of secrecy. His Kingdom’s advancement didn’t depend on my silence; it was dependent fully on His pure, beautiful love – a love that is all light.
The Lord allowed me to see the reality of the abuse I’d experienced and the sin that had entangled me. He gave me the courage to come into the light with a fierce allegiance—not to a person, but to the TRUTH. Where I was afraid, He was there, holding me in every moment. Step by wobbly step, conversation by shaky conversation, He led me out of darkness into a place without fear, without secrecy, without shame. A place where I was truly seen, known, and loved.
To those of you who find yourselves trapped in confusion, clinging to secrecy, afraid of what light/exposure will bring, I long for you to know this: you are dearly loved by your Heavenly Father, and He would NEVER ask you to live in shadows or secrecy or shame to protect His reputation or His Kingdom or His Name. NEVER. He always accomplishes the WORK of Jesus in the WAYS of Jesus—ways that are gentle and pure and full of light.
It is daunting and scary to step into the light. And the exposure the light brings may be painful. But it is a gift. And the freedom you’ll experience is worth the price you’ll pay. No more shadows. No more secrecy. No more shame.
Your Heavenly Father is holding out His hand to you, inviting you out of the shadows, one courageous step at a time. It could be getting honest with a trusted friend, or confiding in a counselor, or reaching out to a ministry that understands.
The light He offers is not to harm us—it is to heal us. Take hold of His hand and step into the light. Your heart and your freedom are worth it.